Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
It’s your birthday soon, and you’re so excited! This is going to be your best birthday yet, and you’re going to get all the presents and cake you could ever want.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Your left socks are all going to disappear soon. The right ones might too. Maybe.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
They know you don’t have a parking pass, and they’re coming for you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You should start wearing a helmet everywhere. I’m not going to tell you why. Body armor might be helpful too.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Why did you do that?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
I bet you had an amazing St. Patrick’s Day! You’re just glad the leprechauns didn’t come this year, but there’s still time for them to get you…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be more expressive with your emoji use; it really does make people’s days. Be the joy you want to see in the world.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you try to get to the end of the rainbow, you’ll reach it this time!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Something will happen soon.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The sickness is coming… the sickness of friendship and happiness! Go have some fun!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
If you’re reading this, then you should watch out.
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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
If you were born in November, you’re going to suffer a shocking, painful, and unexpected bruise on the knee. If you were born in December, you’re going to have an awesome month!
(These are mostly made up and not based on science. Axestrology horoscopes are just for fun.)
Article By Abby Ketchum and Maya Robershaw